I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
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Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
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We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
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