the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize