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We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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