that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She needs sedatives and a leash
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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