i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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