Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
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Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
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my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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