I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
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Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
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BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
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