You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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