Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize