Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
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Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
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Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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