Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." π ππ·
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