Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize