Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
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i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
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I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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