Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
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sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
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