Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
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You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
The uberlube is also flammable
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Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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