i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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