Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
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I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
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Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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