she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Sex in the backyard? Check.
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