I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
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ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
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Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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