Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
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Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
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This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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