woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
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I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
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I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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