sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
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he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
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