he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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