I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
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We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
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Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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