The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
So squirting runs in the family.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
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