I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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