I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I think I have vodka in my lungs
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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