What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
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He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize