i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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