i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
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I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
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My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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