You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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