Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
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If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
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2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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