I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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