I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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