if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
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who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
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You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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