I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
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I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
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I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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