her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
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She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
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The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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