this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I have aggressive nipples.
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