i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
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