I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize