just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
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I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
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That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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