I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Randomize