shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
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