never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
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Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
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Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
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