Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
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There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
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This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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