I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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