I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
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In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
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I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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