If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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