The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
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Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
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Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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