So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
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I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
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I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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